The Doctor wants to Check Your Hormones not your “Whore Moans”: You Only Make that Mistake Once

The Doctor wants to Check Your Hormones not your “Whore Moans”:  You Only Make that Mistake Once

Some days I feel like I could conquer the world, and even more so this weak lil’ Thyroid Cancer. But other days I feel totally lost in the finality of it all.

Yes, there will come a day (hopefully) that I am cancer-free. It is likely that I will get my voice back. The experts tell me that 90% of vocal cord paralysis self-corrects within a year. But the fact that I will take synthetic hormones FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE feels daunting and, quite honestly, depressing.

My relationship with hormones, up to this point, was based solely on the two days before my period when I’d cry thinking about how much I love my husband, while simultaneously questioning every life decision I’d ever made. You know, like women do.

In an effort to expand my understanding, I’ve joined several Thyroid Cancer support groups on Facebook. The consensus is that it usually takes 6-12 months to get your hormone cocktail just right, so you start to feel normal again. Problem is, I don’t know that I’ve ever been “normal.” It’s my favorite thing about myself. I’ve always seen the world a bit differently, a bit funnier and more fantastical than the average Joe.

My friends will tell you how I can laugh myself into a fit, finding humor in something no one else sees. Tears will stream down my face as I struggle to control myself long enough to share with them what I’ve found so dang funny. I was told once that I could survive solitary confinement because I’d be able to entertain myself to no end. I took it as a compliment.

Since my thyroid surgery, and the hypothyroidism that came with the delicate organ being removed, I’ve only had fleeting moments that I have felt like myself. As I write this, I’m only two weeks into my new hormone regiment, so logically I know things should get better as the hormones build up in my system. But I’m terrified that I’ll struggle to be myself.

When I spend time with friends, I’m quieter. Sometimes because my voice is tired. Sometimes because my body is tired. And sometimes because my soul is tired. I know they see I’m not myself. I worry they don’t enjoy my company like they did when I was a clown. I get self-conscious about how quiet I am (in comparison to the friend they knew pre-ThyCa). I worry that they worry about me. I like being the funny one. I enjoy an audience. Go ahead, judge me. I don’t know that I know what I am, if I’m not an entertainer. I get angry thinking that cancer could have taken that from me.

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Right now I’m on a dose of hormone the endocrinologist has selected for me based only on my height and weight. My height and weight! Possibly the two most arbitrary aspects of what makes me, ME. As time goes on, we will make adjustments based on my energy levels and mood. But there will NEVER come a point that we are done making adjustments. My body will change. I will age. This is something I will do FOREVER. Will this be the new thing that defines me? Will I become the friend with the Thyroid issue? Because I’m much more fulfilled being the friend that makes you pee your pants a little, the friend that makes you laugh when you feel like you could cry, the friend that always sees the good and the funny in every situation.

How will I define myself now? And way more importantly…Will I get a beard? ‘Cause I’d look terrible with a beard.

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Only about 3 of these sound like any fun.

Thanks so much for reading! Feel free to share, comment and follow!

 

 

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5 thoughts on “The Doctor wants to Check Your Hormones not your “Whore Moans”: You Only Make that Mistake Once

  1. Love your humour through this, my husband and I had a good laugh last night reading your earlier posts!!! I’m 18 months into my thyca journey, and the thing I’ve learnt is that although at times you feel completely unlike your old self, that your old self does show up, give yourself time, and rest, and be kind to yourself. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Love your honesty here. While I know your humor is one of your awesomest qualities, some of us also love you because you’re a nice person, who’s sweet, hardworking, loving, determined, passionate, bad-ass, true to herself, and honest. Even if you don’t have the energy to be all of that all the time, that’s OK. By writing about this and seeking support of others going through the same thing, you’re doing everything you can do. And that is admirable.

    Like

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